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In this writing I offer critical illuminations and diffractions with(in) researching, producing and performing a piece of choreographic practice research titled (in)fertile territories: a performance lecture. I utilize the concept of affective dissonance as x-ray to get closer to feelings and emotional labour as an early-career researcher in an institutional context. The writing is grounded in the cultural politics of emotion, and presents choreographic practice research, feminist critical reflection, and writing as technologies mobilized in the hopes of birthing something anew with significantly personal choreographic material.